Part of the series: What God Taught Me in the Season of Testing
Stepping Into the Wilderness
Dear sister or brother in Christ,
You’re reading part of the series “What God Taught Me in the Season of Testing — Lessons from the Wilderness.”
I stepped into this long wilderness season not only because I had disobeyed the voice of the Holy Spirit, but also because it was a time of preparation for my calling (which I will not focus on in this lesson).
One evening, He put it on my heart to worship Him, but instead of doing that, I chose to watch a drama show — something I’m not proud of.
As a baby Christian, I lacked spiritual maturity and had not yet learned to walk faithfully with the Lord.
How could I have been so deceived as to value a carnal show more than God’s call to worship Him? How could I have treated His desire and His will so lightly!
I had chosen a worldly show over obedience to God.
Now I only watch godly movies—if I watch anything at all—but that moment of disobedience revealed many hidden sins that God wanted to purify from my heart.
The wilderness is not God’s rejection, but His plan of preparation for our destiny in Him.
Losing the Sweet Presence of the Holy Spirit
Soon after, I began to lose the sweet presence of the Holy Spirit, and it was killing me inside. The rivers of living water within me had dried up, and it felt as though all the demons had come to the surface.
A deep emptiness — a terrible hole — formed inside me, making me feel like a withered branch cut off from the Vine.
I complained constantly and was angry with God. I faced many spiritual attacks during this time, and I sadly didn’t yet know how to stand firm in spiritual warfare.
I was still living in fear of the enemy and, in my confusion, resisted God with all my strength. I was very stubborn, and I felt as if a strong chalice of rebellion was holding my heart captive, oppressing me constantly.
A Breaking Point of Desperation
The loss of the Holy Spirit’s peace and joy weighed heavily on me, and one evening it became unbearable.
My heart ached with helplessness and a desperate longing for the rivers of living water to flow freely at the center of my spirit once again.
I felt utterly hopeless and told myself that I could not live without His presence. In that state, Psalm 38:8 perfectly captured what I was feeling:
“I am feeble and crushed; I groan because of the tumult of my heart.”
Clinging To God In Difficult Times
Yet no matter how hard it got, or how empty I felt in my spirit, I didn’t give up.
Even though I was angry with God and had so many unanswered questions:
“Why don’t I feel Your presence no matter how hard I try?”
“Will I ever feel Your peace and joy again?”
“Did I lose every opportunity to be accepted into Your loving arms again?”
…I still read the Bible every day.
However, for about a month, I stopped praying because I was offended with God.
I allowed the devil to completely cloud my mind with lies of condemnation, and I turned away from Jesus—and let me tell you, it only made everything worse.
It felt as though all the demons had feasted on my heart, poisoning it and leaving it in a weakened state.
Returning to God
That’s when I realized I couldn’t walk this path without the Lord any longer.
I returned to Him, began to pray again, and He started teaching me my first lesson in the wilderness: REJOICE!
Before Christ: A Life Without Joy
Before I came to Jesus, I was a very sad person. I battled depression, suicidal thoughts, and a constant heaviness in my heart, often for no clear reason.
My joy depended entirely on my circumstances. I was like a doll with two buttons: if it was sunny, I was happy; if it wasn’t, I was miserable.
After Salvation: Joy Mixed With Struggle
Even after being born again, I experienced a sweet joy in the Lord, but because my circumstances weren’t changing, I often felt miserable, asking, “Why, when, and how, Lord?”
The Burden That Kept Stealing My Joy
One thing felt like a thorn constantly scratching my soul and pressing on my heart, robbing me of my joy—the fact that I didn’t have an “official” paid job (I was working only for the Forever Mercy ministry).
This burden weighed heavily on me. Almost every day, I found myself crying over these worldly worries, feeling unworthy in the eyes of others. I kept asking, “Lord, how long until I am paid for my work?”
God Reveals the True Battle
Then He revealed to me that when I constantly focused on those questions, He was not in them—and it was as if I were sitting alone in a car, having a conversation with the enemy.
He was teaching me to trust Him and to have faith that He knows exactly what I need. But I was still rebellious and had not yet learned how to fully rely on Him.
Knowing why doesn’t set you free. Knowing God sets you free.
Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
Matthew 6:8
When Circumstances Replace Christ
Worldly worries, stress, and pressure stole the peace and joy I once felt in the Lord.
Yet God kept reminding me that true hope and abundance are found only in Him, and that our joy cannot depend on our circumstances—because true, lasting, and satisfying joy is found in Him alone.
Breakthrough Prayer
Then something miraculous happened.
One sister in Christ, with whom we have a weekly prayer meeting over the phone, had no idea what I was going through — but the Holy Spirit did. While praying, she said,
“Lord, let all the nails and everything that scratches her heart come out of her.”
And in that instant, I was completely delivered and set free.
Then, yet another wonderful thing happened, beautifully orchestrated by God.
The same sister who had prayed for me gifted me a book titled Look What God Is Doing.
The book contained powerful testimonies of how God delivered, healed, and set His children free. As I read it, it felt as though a door was opening for me to once again truly experience the joy of the Spirit.
Through the honest testimonies and recorded miracles, my faith began to grow. I saw myself reflected in many of the stories, and it gave me hope—hope that I was not alone and that I no longer had to carry the burden of shame or guilt.
How To Know When To Leave A Church
A Church That Dimmed My Joy
I should also mention that the first church I attended as a new believer often felt as though God had been put in a box.
The atmosphere lacked joy, and the frequent arguments among believers over worldly concerns only pulled me deeper into a pit of complaint. This appeared to be accepted as the “normal” way of experiencing fellowship within the church.
Even simple hymns played on the guitar carried an unspoken message that expressing emotion was somehow not glorifying to Jesus, as though sadness were expected when singing to Him.
Group prayer meetings also felt discouraged, as if praying together were less acceptable than praying alone in private prayer rooms.
I know that no church is perfect, but for me, this environment felt like a spiritual prison. I longed for the day when God would lead me out with peace and joy and into greater freedom with Him.
For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace.
Isaiah 55:12
Holy Spirit Filled Church
Led to a New Church by God’s Guidance
And He did. Through the book I mentioned, He guided me to visit a Spirit-filled church featured in its pages, where His presence, warmth, and joy were tangible from the very first moment I stepped through the doors.
I was immediately overwhelmed by the warmth of the people — their sincere handshakes, radiant smiles, and the unmistakable spark of God’s joy. The welcome alone filled my heart with gratitude, as I had never experienced anything like it before.
A Call to Worship With a Whole Heart
Even before the worship began, the pastor read aloud from the Word of God with a firm and passionate voice, reminding us to worship the Lord with all our hearts because He is good. It was as if I were hearing this truth for the very first time.
Experiencing Worship Alive With Joy
Then the worship began. The lively sound of drums and guitars filled the room, and as everyone stood to praise, my eyes filled with tears.
The joyful singing, the raised hands, and the freedom in worship completely overwhelmed me.
The atmosphere was saturated with God’s presence — it was more wonderful than I could ever describe. For the first time, I realized that worship could be alive and full of emotion — not dull or restrained.
A New Revelation of Who God Is
It was in that moment that I began to see God in a new way: not as distant or confined by rules, but as alive, present, and overflowing with love for His children.
My heart, which had felt dry and burdened, began to stir with a taste of the rivers of living water I had longed for.
A Sermon That Touched My Heart Deeply
During his sermon, the pastor said many things that pierced my heart. One statement in particular stood out:
“God is not a man to be put on a judgment seat and condemned from a human perspective.”
He also reminded us not to worry about the when, how, and why, because God is faithful and will take care of everything.
Then he said something that hit me deeply:
“There are people here today who do not truly believe that God is good.”
And I knew, without a doubt — I was one of them.
Taste And See That The Lord Is Good
That church service marked the beginning of a deep inner healing I didn’t even know I needed.
For the first time, I felt the truth of God’s goodness breaking through the walls of fear and misunderstanding that had surrounded my heart for so long.
My view of the Lord began to change, and my faith in Him grew stronger. I am immensely grateful to God for showing me the true joy of walking with Him.
Breaking Old Lies About Worship
Before that moment, I had carried many doubts and a distorted belief that lively worship, dancing, and praying aloud among believers were not pleasing to God, but somehow sinful.
Yet there, surrounded by genuine worshippers, I felt the Holy Spirit gently breaking those lies.
Until then, my relationship with the Lord had sadly lacked the joy of praise and worship, and the delight of singing spiritual songs to His glory.
Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth!Serve the Lord with gladness!Come into his presence with singing!
Psalm 100:1-2 ESV
Let them praise his name with dancing, making melody to him with tambourine and lyre!
Psalm 149:3 ESV
Recognizing the Enemy’s Influence
Later, the Lord revealed to me that I had been playing the piano with notes that quite literally played into the enemy’s hands.
A godly mindset, a victorious attitude, and a heart of worship were not yet part of my daily walk with Jesus. My mind was clouded by condemnation and the enemy’s lies, and I had no understanding of spiritual warfare.
I wasn’t aware of the power of the name of Jesus and His blood. I didn’t know the authority I have in Christ, or the new identity that belongs to every born-again believer.
A Distorted View of God
I also realized that I had a distorted picture of God. I saw Him as small and punishing — a God who had left me alone in Egypt with no way out of slavery.
I didn’t yet know Him as the great and powerful God who performs miracles and heals our hearts.
A Revelation of Identity in Christ
When a sister in Christ from that church later sent me a document titled “Identity in Christ,” I was amazed — I couldn’t believe how I had lived in such ignorance and fear for so long. Truly, God’s Word is right when it says,
My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.
Hosea 4:6 ESV
After that powerful encounter and the realization of who I truly am in Christ, something inside me began to shift. The heavy cloud that had hovered over my heart started to lift.
I found myself smiling again — not because my circumstances had changed, but because I was finally beginning to see God for who He truly is: a loving Father, not a harsh judge.
Joy That Comes From Knowing God
As I stood among believers lifting their hands in worship, I realized that the joy I saw on their faces wasn’t fake or forced — it was the fruit of knowing a good God.
Their freedom stirred something within me. I wanted that same peace, that same confidence in His love.
The Father Who Loves, Purifies, and Stays Close
From that day on, God began to gently reintroduce Himself to me — not as the harsh judge I once imagined, but as a loving Father who delights in His children. Through His Word and His Spirit, He started replacing lies with truth:
“I am not against you; I am for you.”
“I am not punishing you; I am purifying you.”
“I have not abandoned you; I am walking beside you.”
Those truths began to heal my heart. The fear that once ruled me started to lose its grip. I began to see that God’s correction was not rejection, but an act of mercy.
He was teaching me that His discipline always flows from love — a love that restores, never destroys.
Rejoicing In The Lord
Then the Lord showed me my walk with Him in retrospect — how much I had worried, how often I had regretted things, how I had failed to guard my heart, and how much time I had wasted on sadness and anxiety.
As these truths came to light, my heart grew very sorrowful. In that moment, I repented and told myself that I never wanted to fall into that trap of sadness again.
Instead, I wanted to choose to rejoice in the Lord every single day — because that is something I would never regret.
You will never regret rejoicing in the Lord and lifting up songs and hymns of praise to Him every day.
Joy Begins with a Choice, Not a Feeling
And that’s when the Lord began to rebuild my joy — slowly and deeply.
The Holy Spirit started showing me that joy is not something you must feel first; it is something you choose in faith.
It is a declaration that God is good, even when your circumstances are not.
He began teaching me to praise Him not because everything was perfect, but because He is perfect. Not because I understood everything, but because He is faithful in everything.
Shifting My Eyes from Circumstances to God’s Character
Day by day, He invited me to shift my eyes from my circumstances to His character.
Instead of asking, when, how, and why? He taught me to go deeper in truly knowing Him — not just with my mind, but with my heart.
Then I made a firm decision that I would no longer give space to the devil. I began to praise the Lord every single day, and as I did, all the sadness, worry, and sorrow started to fall away from me.
There is great power in praise — it is truly a mighty weapon.
The more I lifted my voice in worship, the more the heaviness broke off, and I began to experience a freedom in my spirit that I hadn’t felt in a very long time.
The Wilderness: A Place of Refining and Trust
In my first lesson in the wilderness, I learned that waiting on the Lord’s timing is often the place where He works most deeply on building our character.
In that waiting, He exposed my impatience, my fear, and my desire to control outcomes.
He gently showed me that delays are not denials — they are invitations to trust Him on a deeper level.
The wilderness became a refining place where He stripped away my false expectations and taught me to rest in His sovereignty.
Even when I felt forgotten or overlooked, He was shaping me, strengthening my faith, and preparing my heart for what He had promised.
A New Kind of Joy — Rooted in Christ Alone
And in that wilderness season, the Lord began restoring in me a new kind of joy — not fragile, not circumstantial, but rooted in Him alone.
Slowly, the Lord began to heal the wounds I had carried for so long. His Word became alive to me again, like fresh water to my dry and weary soul.
Scriptures that once felt distant now spoke directly to my heart, reminding me that “the joy of the Lord is my strength” (Nehemiah 8:10).
Joy Overflowing Through Worship
As I learned to worship Him freely, joy began to overflow in my heart. Not the manifested joy I had experienced in His presence before, but a deep, steady joy in the Lord Himself — born from truly knowing who He is.
My conversations with Jesus were no longer filled with complaints but with gratitude. I began praising Him for who He is — good, faithful, and merciful — whether I felt Him or not.
The more I praised, the lighter my heart became.
Joy in the Midst of Trials
I realized that true joy isn’t the absence of trials; it’s the presence of Jesus in the midst of them.
He didn’t remove me from the wilderness right away — instead, He walked with me through it, teaching me to rejoice even there.
That’s when I finally understood: Joy isn’t just a feeling; it is a choice rooted in truly knowing Jesus for who He is.
A Call to Return to the Good Shepherd
Dear reader, your joy is not lost — it is waiting for you to return to the Good Shepherd and begin digging deeper into who He truly is.
The more you praise Him, the more you will see His goodness, even in the smallest things.
Looking Back: A Sacred Season of Transformation
Now, when I look back at that season, I see it as a sacred time of transformation — a place where I learned to rejoice in the Lord, not because life was easy, but because He is holy and worthy of all our praise.
God restored my joy by restoring my view of Him. He showed me that He had never left — even when I was angry, distant, or afraid. He was there all along, patiently waiting for me to look up again.
And when I did, I found Him — gracious and full of mercy.
Since I began my prayers with praise, my heart and my outlook on life have shifted in the right direction.
I now know that He is truly good — our healer, our deliverer, and our faithful God.
Praise Is a Weapon
The wilderness may not change overnight, but something shifts when we praise God there. Our perspective changes. Our hearts strengthen. Our faith deepens.
And that’s when the wilderness becomes holy ground — a place of encounter and transformation.
So today, even if your fig tree hasn’t blossomed yet, lift your eyes. Whisper your “yet.”
“Yet I will rejoice.”
“Yet I will trust You.”
“Yet I will praise.”
Because the wilderness won’t last forever — but the God who walks with you through it will.
If you need someone to pray with you, I’m here for you! 🙂
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